looking for

my Christmas spirit.

I just can't find it within myself this year.

For the first time in my life I'm just not feeling all holly jolly.

I haven't purchased a single gift, written out any cards, or put up my tree.

I haven't made shortbread

(a tragedy within itself right there.)

I will blame the lack of decorations on these never ending renovations that I find myself trapped in.

My contractor who comes over for long spells 

yet seems to get minimal things accomplished.

Leaving doors inconveniently leaned against walls for days at a time

and half finished projects in every room.

A one man tornado of tools and messes that I am perpetually cleaning up.

The frustration of washing my kitchen counters 

only to have him turn on his electric saw the next morning

and leave a fine mist of sawdust over every square inch of my kitchen.

Oh the bliss.  

The job that was only supposed to take 2 weeks has now stretched to week 4

(and I still have no baseboards)

my budget creeping ever upwards

the whole thing made more complicated by the fact that my contractor goes by the name of dad.

Its a slow descent to madness here on the corner of Ross Street.  

I've learned to keep my tea pot clean and have let the rest of the cleaning go.

(Because it was that, or my sanity

which is already in extremely short supply.)

And while I'm on the tangent of things not going according to plan  

I've learned that I won't be hearing of my court date until January.

My paperwork is currently in Ottawa.

They expect it back in early January at which point it will be couriered to Kemerovo.

Then I will be issued a court date approximately 4 weeks later.

So realistically I'm looking at mid-February

which isn't bad, I know. 

There are people who have waited much longer than me

I know

BUT

There is this pain in my heart that I just can't shake

and its making everything

the holidays especially

so hard to enjoy.

They say that the adoption journey is a roller coaster of emotions

and that's very true

so let me say that this part I'm in right now

this valley

this is the worst

the absolute worst part of it

for me.

This feeling of being away from her

is indescribable

the pain 

the emptiness

 is a constant ache.

And every well-meaning person in my life that asks me

"have you heard anything?"

only reminds me that I have not.

So if you are one of those people that knows me in real life

please don't ask me questions

please know that all I need right now is the biggest hug you have.