Trips Three and Four

11:52

Today at 11:52 I became a mom.

Today there is one less orphan.

Today 

love won.

court round 2

My hearing started 45 minutes late

and really, there are no words for the anxiety I felt sitting on that little black bench

in that long empty hallway

while we waited.

I had the same prosecutor.

Comrade was all decked out in her stars and stripes.

It was long and it got intense

but this time I knew what I was up against 

and I fought back articulating myself better than last time.

She stood up about half way through

she had 2 full pages of typed out notes

issues with me I can only imagine.

She started in on the most ridiculous line of questioning

the judge started questioning her

as she was questioning me

voices raised

Alex translating her questions and accusations as fast as he could

four people speaking at once all trying to be heard

until I raised my voice louder than any of them and said,

"LET ME SPEAK!!!"

and I refuted every one of her assumptions

until silence fell.

And when I was done saying what I had to say

about how very wrong she was about Zenya

about me

about all Canadians

she nodded at me

satisified

and sat back down.

From there it went smoothly and at the end of that hour she stood up

and said that she had no issues with me

and that it would be in Zenya's best interest to leave the orphanage and be with me.

The judge agreed

and I made it into the hallway before the first tear fell.

The social worker was the first person to grab me and hug me

then Alex put his arms around me and wiped away a couple of tears of his own.

The court reporter came out beaming and shook my hand saying "no tears, no tears" in Russian.

Comrade came out and gave me a nod.

I took it that there were no hard feelings between us on her part.

Nor really, are there any on mine.

I have no room for them.

I'm just too full of gratitude and love.

Outside the court I asked Alex to take my picture.

I'm not exactly jumping for joy

Its more of a "legs are still shaking I think I may just fall over" kind of picture

but it is what it is.

Me.

The moment I became a mom.

For having just come out of the delivery room, I think I look fantastic.

Stretch marks?

Not a one. ;)

Back in the car I said to Alex,

"so tell me, has this been your hardest adoption?"

"Oh yes."

He shook his head and laughed.

"Well there.  You'll always remember me now."

and we both laughed together.

near far

first hug when I got to the orphanage after court

trying to keep myself together

but kind of falling apart.

It was such a relief to hold her again.

Many of you have asked how Zenya has been on this latest visit.

In so many ways we are making huge strides forward.

Like yesterday, she kissed me for the first time 

and then today she kissed me about a million times more.

This little girl is soaking up all the love she's been missing for four years

as fast as she can.

She wants to be close to me a lot more now,

she reaches to be picked up

and is finally comfortable just sitting on my lap.

Another huge step: she shared the snack I brought for her today which was a first.

On every other visit she has either turned her back on me while she ate

or taken the snack into another room to eat alone.

Today she pulled out those arrowroot cookies and handed one to me, one to Alex

and then took the last one for herself.

That's my girl.

This picture was taken on our last visit

where Zenya moved herself into the other room to eat in private with her back against the wall

On the flip side she is frustrated with me undoubtably because I keep leaving.

She is confused and angry

and it comes out in little bursts.

Right after that hug pictured at the top

she pulled away from me, stuck out her tongue and went and sat beside Alex.

She has slapped my face and hit me more than once

she hugs me hard

and then she turns her back on me and runs.

Do you remember the 1975 Sesame Street sketch with Grover

doing Near and Far?

(if you don't, put it into youtube right now.  

Seriously.  You'll smile so big watching that furry little blue guy run back and forth)

Well I kind of liken Zenya's behaviour to that at the moment.

She gets close to me and then she steps back.

She is testing the water

testing me

deciding whether or not she is going to trust me

whether she can count on me

and I know that as long as she's in the orphanage and not with me

that the jury is still out.

Today I said goodbye to her for the last time.

Olga and Alex explained to her that mama has to go away one more time

and that next time I come back she would be coming home with me.

She shut down pretty quickly on me

and barely said goodbye.

It is what it is and the rules that are in place here

 weren't made with the best interest of the children in mind.

We just have to keep pushing forward.

30 days and counting my girl and then mama's coming back

and busting you out.

Forever.

the birthday

(Zenya introducing me to her groupa)

I have tried so many times to write a post about Zenya's 4th birthday
but the words just won't come out.
Walking through the door into the room that my daughter has called "home" for the last 3 years
and seeing the faces
really seeing them
of the children who have been the only family she has known
hearing their voices
feeling their arms around my neck
it leaves me without words.
Because while I fall on my knees thanking God that Zenya is leaving that place in 11 short days
I keep thinking about what will happen to the rest of them.
I wish there was a way to take them all.
I do.
I would take all 14 of them by the hand and walk them right through those gates
and all the way back to Canada
where I'd live out the rest of my days like the old woman in the shoe.

I wish my voice was loud enough to scream for all of them
that they all needed mamas too
and we need to get over there and take them before its too late
before they all get transfered
get swallowed up in a system that will spit them onto the streets in 12 short years.
12 birthdays from now
when my beautiful Zenya is learning to drive a car.
What will happen to the little brown haired girl?

So while Zenya and I handed out gifts to her groupa
and there were excited shouts of "machina!!" and "spaseeba mama!!"
from her little friends
I tried to just be in the moment
with them
loving them
letting them know how loved they are
not just for the 20 minutes we had together
but always.

Happy Birthday Funny Family
(the name of their groupa)
I wish I could have given you more.

introducing

My daughter

Zenya Nadine Alexandrina

Forever a family
May 27, 2013

being a mom Day 1

This is the little face that ran to me when we walked through the gates.

She was so relieved that I came back.

She had a little dandelion clutched in her hand for me

and she just snuggled right into me and relaxed instantly.

Her teacher Olga said that she has been asking for me on a daily basis.

Two of her little groupa mates have gone home with their new families 

and she was getting worried that I was taking so long.  

Our goodbye was rushed.

45 minutes and we were walking out the door.

I had hoped for more time to give her a chance to say goodbye, take some photos and all that jazz,

but she was ready to go and took it all in stride

giving cheerful little waves to all the staff we passed.

As we walked down the stairs the security guard came out to say goodbye to her

and Zenya called back, "I'm going to my new home in Canada now!!  Paka paka"

Here she is in the car. 

So excited!

The drive back to the city was very rough on her.

We pulled over a few times to let her out for air because she was getting so pale and  sweaty.

We hit the city when she finally threw up

and I have to give Rishell a huge thank you for the ziplock bags

because I caught everything

and sealed it all up lickety split.

No mess, no lingering smell.

Thanks friend! Those were a life saver. 

(and I am totally giving myself a high five for catching it all.  This is my first day people!) 

Post-nap we put on some play clothes and headed up to the park.

(Yes, the one with the tank Rach)

She walked most of the way

but stopped frequently to lift her arms up, asking to be carried.

I don't think it was fatigue so much as the novelty of being carried by her mama.

She'd sit up in my arms gazing into my eyes saying, "my mama, MY mama"

("my" in russian sounds like "maya")

and then she'd press her cheek against mine and snuggle in.

The relief in her that she is with me is palpable. 

After we got back from supper Zenya took her first bath.

I was going to hold off for a bit, but she seemed so comfortable that I thought I'd give it a try.

Big hit!

She had the best time in there pouring water all over her rubber duckie

and the look of glee on her face when she splashed and kicked melted my heart.

She would push the water around

and then lift her little shoulders up to her neck and give me this impish little grin

like she had just gotten away with something.

Adorable.

Things I have learned today:

1. She walks at a much slower pace than I do 

and I will now need to triple my calculation of how long it will take to get somewhere.

2. I need a bigger purse immediately.

(I should have splurged with you Kym when we were at the mall...)

3. Being a mom is the most amazing job in the world.

being a mom Day 2

It's going well!
Today we each had some firsts.
For example:

Zenya enjoyed her first banana

And I enjoyed my first shower with an audience

(sorry, no photo)
Oh and can I just tell you what a quick shower it was?
I was freaked out to leave her alone in the room
scared of what she'd get into.
Nothing happened of course.
She spent the entire 2 minutes flicking the light off and on for me
and peeking through the shower curtain to see my reaction.
Zenya loves the light switches.
She also has an obsession with my bookmark.
Likes to pull it out and move it to other parts of the room.
She'll place it on top of a chair, or under my computer for me
and then give me a sunny little smile like she's just done something very helpful.
What can you do?
I just thank her and smile back.
(going to start folding my pages over...)

We are getting to know each other
and its going more smoothly than I ever expected.
She is up for anything as long as I'm there beside her.
Her smiles were more relaxed today
her joy at moments is overwhelming.
Everything is new and exciting
much of it is scary
but she seems to be taking it all in stride.

(The sunglasses and bunny go everywhere with us)

rough night

Last night was a bit of a rough one

(its currently 6:30am here and I've been awake for 2 hours...

yes, the people that know me are gasping in their chairs!)

Zenya fell asleep around 9:30 and woke up at 1:30

making these tiny terrified whimpering sounds.

Sadly, children in orphanages learn very quickly that no one comes when the cry

or they are scolded for making noises that may wake other children
and so they often learn to soothe and silence themselves.

I am already seeing very blatant signs of this is in her.

She took a bad tumble out of bed yesterday thanks to rookie mom 

who didn't have anything up against the side of the bed

scraped her back on the side board and landed on her head.

She barely made a peep.

When she woke up whimpering last night

I called over to her "mama's here"

and as I was getting up she whimpered again and then reached for me.

I picked her up and she clung to me so hard.

Every part of her body was tense.

I rocked her back and forth until she calmed down

and then I carried her into my bed.

She snuggled down inside the crook of my arm

like she'd lived there all her life,

put one little thumb in her mouth

and put the other hand on my chest.

She was asleep again in under 2 minutes.

She woke 3 more times last night doing the same thing

but was easily comforted as soon as she knew I was there.

Her trust in me is staggering.

Her resiliency and trust

the love and joy that is still inside her

despite all that she has been through

is unbelievable to see.

I do not doubt for a moment that we were hand picked for each other.

yesterday's nap... my little angel

day 3

A couple of highlights from yesterday

Getting her little leggings on for the day

First trip to the grocery store where we bought her some foods she likes

all ready to go to the park.  Those shoes are about 2 sizes too big for her 

but when I suggested we put on her shoes from the orphanage instead

she started to fuss and begged to wear these ones.

 Had to take this one...

In posting this I have to clarify that this park appears to be some sort of museum/war memorial

there are tanks and cannons all over the place with these little signs.

Still kinda funny though to be mixing a war exhibition with a children's playground

Big girl brushed her own teeth last night.

grief

I think we crossed over into "starting to get real" territory yesterday.

We are falling madly in love with each other.

Zenya watches everything I do and copies me whenever she can.

If I brush my teeth, she reaches for her toothbrush

If I bring her her water bottle, she goes and gets me my tea

If I tickle her tummy and blow a raspberry, she pushes me down on the bed and does the same.

The look of adoration on her face as I carry her is honestly unlike anything I have ever seen.

There are moments when she just glows with love.

She has been sleeping with me since that second night

and all night I can feel her little hands and feet searching me out.

She's like a little tiny octopus trying to creep underneath my skin and wrap herself around my heart.

It is the most incredible feeling in the world.

Seriously?  Could she be any sweeter?  

All that being said

for the first time yesterday I saw some grieving happening

and while I know from an attachment perspective that this is very healthy

I had no idea how painful it would be to watch.

We bought a stroller when we were at the store 

because I thought it might come in handy when we travel.

I wasn't anticipating how much she would love it.

She wants to be taken out in it All. The. Time.

Yesterday morning, still in her little jammies and she was pointing at it smiling and begging to go out.

Unfortunately the weather here has been really really crappy.

Its chilly, windy and there is intermittent rain constantly starting.

We end up being stuck in our hotel room most of the day 

and I think we are both getting a bit of cabin fever.

We got out for a short walk in the morning which made her happy.

Put on those shades all by herself

She likes to get out after awhile and push her bunny around.

After her nap yesterday the weather got worse

so we coloured and watched Curious George together

me, trying to fill the time and keep her from getting bored

her, slowly getting more and more restless to get outside

and then the sun came out!!

I grabbed our coats and shoes and we both marched out the door

(I wanted her to walk so that she burned off a little steam)

straight to the park.

She had a lot of fun exploring everything.

Then, of course, the clouds blew in and we had to scurry back to the hotel.

The second we got in the door she pointed to the stroller and wanted to be taken back out

and when I shook my head "no"

she cracked.

She leaned against the wall with her head down

and the tears started to silently fall.

I scooped her onto my lap and she just went limp.

She was inconsolable

never made a sound

but the tears poured down like rain.

And some of them were mine.

I had no idea it would be so hard to watch her grieve.

We sat there on the floor until her tears stopped

and then miraculously, the sun came out

so I put her in her stroller and we got a good 10 minutes out there before we were chased inside again.

Back in the hotel she still wasn't smiling

so we paced up and down our hallway with her still in the stroller.

I started stopping and starting and being silly

and her little smile slowly came back

eyes still red.

Then she hopped out and pushed the bunny up and down the hall a few times

and we were ok again.

Her sleep last night was rough again.

I lost count of the number of times she woke up whimpering.

But every time she lays down to sleep, I make sure I am laying with her

and those little hands search me out

clinging to me

stroking my skin

making sure I am real

that I am still there.

It is beautiful

even in its sadness.

songbird

On our walk today Zenya sat in her stroller and sang me a little russian song.

It was so sweet

and so beautiful to see

that she is feeling more comfortable with me

and content enough to open up her little mouth and sing when the mood strikes her.

in the space between here and there

Zenya was mellow all day today

Pensive

Distant

She was here in the hotel with me

but she kinda wasn't.

She watched a lot of russian cartoons, didn't want to play

and didn't want to be touched as much.

Her nap lasted 2 hours and 40 minutes

and once she awoke she just lay there unresponsive.

She came around a little before bedtime

the smiles and giggles returned

those little arms reached out and pointed to her stroller

so off we went

bundled up against the cold.

We are taking such huge strides forward together

that its hard to watch her isolate herself from me

to push me away.

I can see that she is taking the space she needs to grieve in her own way

her own time

and I know that that's a very good thing.

When we climbed into bed

she put her head on our pillow facing me

her little thumb in her mouth and her fingers stroking my cheek

just the way I stroke hers

and I whispered

"I love you so much

and you are such a brave girl to have come away with mama.

I know you're feeling sad and that's ok

you can be sad as long as you need to.

Mama will always be here." 

And as I was talking, she was nodding and answering me back

whispering away in russian to me

nodding 

gesturing

little arm circling

pointing

telling me we should go stand at the window and look for dogs.

Oh my word, can I just say how much I love her?

the passport issue

If you've been following my adoption story closely you know that nothing has gone smoothly

and you're probably expecting at least one more hiccup.

Here you go....

On Friday we went to pick up Zenya's passport.

We got to this big government building with  an extremely crowded waiting room

where I couldn't for the life of me, explain the system of who was next in the cue.

No check in, we had no appointment

we just sat on the bench

squished in with everyone else

for about half an hour 

and then Alex stood up and said we should collect it now.

OK

We walked into this office

and this very pert young clerk came over

with Zenya's passport in hand and several supporting documents.

She began to talk to Alex.

At first I wasn't really paying attention

but they were talking for a long time

and eventually her voice started escalating 

and that was when I started to think

"oh crap.  What now?  Are we going to be able to leave?"

They went back and forth until Alex said something to her and sort of chuckled in her face

and shook his head at me

at which point she got up and photocopied something

came back and demanded my signature

and then dismissively shoved the passport across the desk to me

and turned her back on us.

We got outside and Alex said,

"She does not like the spelling of Zenya's name.  

She says you can not name a child this.

I said you are not the church with its book of names

telling people what they can and can not name their children.

You are the passport office.

Give us the passport."

Good grief.

This was taken during my last trip.

Zenya's teacher Olga was putting the final touches on her hair

for her passport photo.

And there it is.  Perfect.

mine

We had our first encounter with another little girl yesterday when we were out for lunch.

Zenya interacts with adults very well

the orphanage taught her some serious manners

and she makes eye contact with everyone she meets

and offers out her little hand to shake

but I had yet to see her strike up a conversation with another child.

We were sitting at our usual table at the italian restaurant down the street from our hotel

when this family came in with a little girl in tow

about the same age as Zenya.

She had blonde hair and blue eyes

just like my girl

and it wasn't long before she came over to say hi.

Although I didn't understand everything that was being said

the gist of it went something like this:

Zenya (perched on my lap eating her soup)

"Hi.  This is my mama.  

See that?  That's my new coat.  Touch it.  Go on, touch it.

Its mine. 

MINE.

These are my shoes.

This is my skirt.

That's my bunny

MINE."

As the little girl reached out to touch it, Zenya pulled it closer to us and started to frown

She began to slide everything closer to us

her plate, knife and fork, previously untouched

her glass of water

She stopped talking and just stared.  

The little girl sat down on Zenya's chair for a bit

taking it all in

and then Zenya dismissed her with a flick of her hand

"Paka paka."

So the little girl got up and left.

Ok

She's not as warm with other children as I'd hoped

but she didn't bite the kid's face off either 

so I can live with this.

We can work with this, right?

Looking at it from her perspective

if I was in her shoes

her new red shoes with the bows on them

I'd probably be shouting

"get away from my new stuff" too.

if she invites you to dinner...

...You may want to think about eating before you come.

I have our food supply all laid out on top of the mini fridge in our room

readily available for when either of us are hungry.

I want Zenya to understand that we have lots of food

that there's no reason to worry

and that whenever she feels hungry she just has to let me know.

It's working very well for her

and she is already at a point where she stops eating when she's full

and when she hops up to ask for a snack

she will get 2 and then give me the other one.

I brought along a bunch of individual applesauces

goldfish crackers

and arrowroot cookies from home

so that she could get used to some new tastes that will be readily available in Vancouver

then we bought some oatmeal and a few other staples here at the grocery store.

I've found that she is most comfortable with soups or pureed foods 

as that was what she was mainly fed at the orphanage.

Pasta, pizza, meat, anything with a definite shape or texture is a no-go for the time being.
(the girl also has a serious hate-on for mushrooms.  I'm pretty sure she thinks they're meat)

Zenya watches me prep our meals and loves to help stir things

(keep in mind my "kitchen" at the moment consists of said fridge and a kettle)

Last night for supper she was very insistent on what she wanted.

Her dinner consisted of the following:

oatmeal mixed with pureed pumpkin, carrot and tomatoe

followed by

mashed potatoes mixed with peanut butter

and yes,

she ate it all up.

Yum yum yum.

Consider yourselves warned!

hard day

she made herself a little cave and hid there for awhile sucking her thumb

not wanting anything to do with me.

I'm not going to lie

or try to throw glitter all over it

today was just plain crappy 

for both of us.

It was so cold when we woke up and raining so hard

that it was actually snowing for a bit.

The skies didn't clear until almost 3pm

so we were locked inside our hotel room and both going stir crazy.

Zenya has started to test my limits

trying to see if no really means no.

And when she realizes that it does

she laughs at me hysterically

then she hits

pushes

and flails her little body

all without making a sound.

After that, the tears follow.

Its hard for me to decipher what is her grief and what is normal toddler behaviour

and I feel like I'm treading water in the deep end of the pool all of sudden.

Parenting is hard

 and I had no idea that I would be setting limits 

(no you may not randomly pound the keys on my computer)

and having to reinforce them so soon.

Hard stuff.

I'm making mistakes

so is she.

I miss my mom

and she's missing people too.

We survived though

through spilled mashed potatoes

and self-inflicted timeouts (for both of us)

we survived.

At the end of the day we snuggled down together for the night

and as we were laying on our pillow starring at each other

she took both her little hands and placed them on my cheeks

and then oh so tenderly kissed my face.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be our last day in Kemerovo.

Tuesday morning at 7:30 we leave for Moscow.

last day in K

It was sunny today!

Not exactly warm, but at least the skies were clear.

We took advantage of the good weather and got the heck outside!!

Alex and Oleg very kindly took us to a zoo about an hour out of town

and it was so enjoyable to watch my sweet girl getting up close and personal with the animals.

This little cow was definitely Zenya's favourite

and when she finally felt brave enough to reach in and pet her

the little cow licked her hand and Zenya squealed with delight.

Zenya walked most of the way around the zoo

but towards the end her little legs had had enough so Oleg picked her up and put her on his shoulders.

After we had been walking for a few minutes he said, "are you comfortable?"

and she said, "Yes.  And you?"

Funny little girl.

We are all packed up and my little angel is sound asleep in her travel clothes.

The guys will be here in an hour to take us to the airport.

I'm glad our time in Kemerovo has come to a close

I think we're both ready for the next leg of this adventure.

Talk to you from Moscow!!

the Moscow marathon

We're here.

Yesterday tested my limits more than any day so far has.

Not Zenya

just the actual day.

It was a 21 hour marathon for this mama

and no, there were no naps.

The flight to Moscow went better than expected

Zenya did really well

minus the fact that she gets very stressed about being restrained by a seatbelt

and worked herself into quite a frenzy on our descent

trying to get the seatbelt off and get back on my lap.

My lap has become her safe place

(insert my big smile here)

I was ready for the flight.

In fact if there was a rookie mom award for first time flyer, I think it would have to go to me.

I was on people.

I just wasn't anticipating that we would spend the next 3.5 hours in the car.

Yeah.

That's when we both started to lose it.

Seatbelt = major issues for my little one

the one positive in that was that she got so worked up that she started to cry

with sound

I'll take it.

Its important that she learns that its alright to express her feelings

(and car safety too, of course.)

I did my best to snuggle her from my seatbelt

but it was not the same

and by the time we got to the apartment

she was worn right down...

...and then...

we had pulled over on the side of New Arbat street

and somewhere between me getting out, Zenya getting out, and turning around to pay the driver

the driver's wife

(who had magically appeared on the sidewalk and was a stranger to both of us)

took Zenya by the hand to lead her into some shade

and Zenya LOST IT.

This desperate wailing "Mama!!" was coming from her

tears streaming down her cheeks

one arm reaching for me as she was lead away.

She was only about 10 feet from me but it was too much for her

I jumped over and grabbed her and she just clung to me sobbing

wouldn't look at the driver's wife

or the driver for that matter

she just wanted mama.

We got into the apartment.

We needed groceries.

It was epic.

We walked for 1.5 hours with no success.

We came back and I made a very frustrated call to the contact guy.

We set out again.

Success.

Dinner 

laundry 

bath 

bed

she did not want to go to bed.

Phone call to my mom that included lots of tears.

I gave her a gravol and we crashed.

She's been up now since 4:30am.

Giddy up.

Just before take off

new arbat meets Zenya

5am watching the sun come up over the city.

Quite a view from the 22nd floor.

Scrambled eggs, a big hit this morning which made mama smile.

Yum yum yum.

We hit the streets, both sporting our shades and some sunscreen.

It was a toasty 28 today and kind of a muggy hot.

It reminded me of TO in the summer.

First stop: Starbucks or as my stepdad would say: Czarbucks

Zenya had a long chat with Mickey there.

The squirrel guy was more interested in trying to talk to "hot" girls and not children

Mwahaha

Zenya was VERY insistent that he talk to her though

and did her signature handshake and introduction of us both.

"Eta mya mama...." and then its anyone's guess from there.  

She always has lots to say 

and everyone she strikes up a conversation with seems to find her hilarious though.

Looking at the pretty dolls in the window

Zenya was captivated watching this man play the guitar.

She just sat and stared.

Then when he stopped she had a visit with him. Naturally.

Some tears towards the end of the day.

Back at the apartment for some down time.

A banana and some cartoons while mama made dinner.

Lots of limit testing today.

As Zenya realizes that a lot of the old orphanage rules no longer apply to her life

she is trying to make sense of the idea that there are still rules

that life hasn't become a free for all.

She is learning what the rules are

and what mama's face looks like when she deliberately pushes the boundaries.

She cried (loudly) today on several occasions

and I sat with her while she cried,

 stroking her back if she would let me.

Then after awhile of being alone, she crawled up on my lap 

to cry some more

little tears all over my shoulder

her little face nuzzling up against my neck

needing the reassurance that mama was still there

and mama still loved her.

We're working things out

slowly.

Together.

One moment at a time.

Like most toddlers she is trying to exert her will over mine

and it is exhausting

but it is beautiful to see

this little tiny flower

that I alone am watching bloom

one little petal at a time.

english

On Wednesday night we had a break through as far as language is concerned.

I was in  the kitchen making supper and she came in to check everything out

and reached for the stove.

I yelled "no! Hot!!" (sheer panic as it was on)

and ran and googled 'hot' in russian

then came back to her and said the word.

She instantly put her arms at her sides and nodded that she understood

and the light went on.

"hot?" she asked me

"Yes.  Da.  Hot."

Click.

The words mama uses actually mean something.

She grabbed a stick out of a nearby flower arrangement and began pointing to everything she could see.

"Eta?" (This is?)

Wall

Cupboard

Stove

Floor

She took it all in enjoying this new game of naming things.

In the bathroom here our toilet paper has little dogs printed on it

and when she's in there she points them out to me

"sobachka, mama"

"da. Sobachka. Dog."

"Dog?"

"Yes!  Dog.  Sobachka. Dog."

"Dog."  

she smiles.

We have 4 words now.

OK

Hot

Up

Dog

Its really cool to see her figuring this out.

Smart little cookie.

and then she took Red Square

"Magazine, magazine, magazine!!"

Was what I listened to all the way out the door this morning

which if you're fluent in Russian

as I know most of you are,

means "Store store store!!"

Zenya is quite taken with the idea of going into stores and coming out with things.

Right now an apple is generally all it takes

or rather

prior to today an apple was all it took.

THEN we went into a souvenir shop on Arbat

and my girl struck up a conversation with the lady that ran the shop.

I kid you not,

they talked for over 15 minutes.

That lady just sat down on a little stool beside Zenya

and Zenya would bring something over to her and the lady would patiently explain what it was.

She talked about russian culture and costumes

and Zenya told her lots of things.

I am not sure if its clear to people what the situation is

that she has just been adopted.

I think it is...

I definitely get a mix or reactions when its discovered that she is Russian and I am not.

Some people are very friendly with me

many are not quite as warm

but everyone loves Zenya.

At the end of our visit to said 'magazine' the lady said something about matryoshka dolls

and Zenya shook her head that she had no idea what those were

(lady gave me a raised eyebrow for that, like I haven't been doing my job very well)

and turned around and gave her a doll.

Just handed it to her.

"paka paka"

Zenya's smile was so big.

She thanked the lady and out we went.

This just elevated the whole 'magazine' business thing from an "I want to go" to a "we HAVE to go"

And who can blame her?

If people handed me free things whenever I went shopping

I'd be hitting the mall a lot more frequently than I do.

Just sayin'...

After her afternoon nap we set out for Red Square.

I wasn't keen on taking the subway with her by myself

it just seemed a little daunting

so we set out on foot

snacks and water in the bag

stroller in hand.

I knew it was somewhere straight and then to the right

and what do you know?

We found it!

The square itself was all cordoned off

not sure why

but it looked like they were preparing for some big celebration.

Putin's birthday?

Who knows.

Anyway, we had to walk through the Gum to get to St. Basil's 

but I really wanted a picture of her in front of it.

On our way back Zenya enjoyed one of her favourite games

chasing birds.

Its hilarious to watch her in action because she is so intense about it.

She raises her little fists and swings them at the birds

stomping her feet

with this angry little expression on her face.

Good times.

(maybe not for the pigeons)

At Red Square we strolled along and looked at all the booths the vendors had set up

admiring all the matryoshkas and various brickabrack.

There was a stand that sold some pretty dolls so we stopped to admire them

and again

Zenya started a conversation with the young girl running the booth.

Zenya very solemnly gave her a cookie

and the girl complimented her hairdo.  

I bought a doll for her that she helped pick out

and then as we were leaving the girl gave Zenya a little matryoshka key chain.

Wow.

She was excited.

Score again.

 These 'magazines' are the best!

I will miss seeing this part of her

the beautiful confidence she has in her innocence 

to go up and talk to adults with such politeness and self-assurance.

She will lose that in a couple of days

when she gets to Canada and realizes that no one speaks the same language as her

and I grieve that for her.

I had read time and again other adoptive parents commenting on how sad it was 

to be taking their child away from their birth country

and I have to say I didn't really get that until we were here

and I saw Zenya interacting with her culture

her people.

Now all of that is about to change tomorrow as she steps onto that plane

and is immersed into a new culture

with new people.

Even though I know that there are a million reasons why this move is better for her

better than staying in her birth country

it is still a little sad  to think of all she is leaving behind.

This will be my last post until we get home friends.

We have a meeting at the embassy today to finalize Zenya's citizenship application

and then our driver will be picking us up at 3am for our flight to London.

See you soon Vancouver!

XO