Trip One

The Trip Over

I'm going to back up a little as I lay here in my bed

in our beautiful room at the Sheraton Palace in Moscow

and relay a little of our trip from Vancouver...

Look at us, so fresh faced and ready to go

Yep, that's me catching a little shut-eye during our 8 hour layover in London

Finally boarding our flight to Moscow.

I think this was when it actually hit me that this was all happening for real

 I looked at all of the other passengers waiting to board

and realized that we kind of stood out

(my Canada shirt was a dead giveaway too!)

Once we arrived in Moscow we had a 17, that turned into an 18 hour layover.

It was pretty brutal.

The day passed with lots of sleeping in shifts on these very uncomfortable benches

and being woken up by a man who drove around 

on this squeaky zamboni-type floor washing contraption, all day.

Moscow has a very tidy

VERY expensive airport.

We ordered a coffe, a tea and 2 muffins

and it came out to over $20!!

Mom is still talking about it

(hehehe)

UPDATE: I read this last part to mom and asked if it was alright to post this and she said,

"But that wasn't the worst part!  The worst part was that you forgot to put milk in my coffee

and when I went back to get some, they charged me $ 0.45!!  That's the worst part.

That was outrageous!!"

We arrived in Kemerovo at 7am and mom snapped these two photos on the sly

before security people came and told us "no pictures!" in very firm russian accents.

oops

The plane we flew in on...

The bus we took to the airport after we de-planed...

We were picked up by Alex our facilitator and Oleg (pronounced Alex) our driver

(and ironic side note: our driver in Moscow was named Alex.  Very popular name here it appears)

Here's our cute little hotel room in Kemerovo

I likened it to the girls bedroom on the set of the Brady Bunch

with it's 3 twin beds and everything pink.

The third bed is right where the picture is being taken from.

Mom and Lace, aka Marsha and Jan had the two that you're looking at

while I slept in the Cindy bed where my late night emailing was a little less of a bother.

At the end of the hall was a window that faced this sign.

Look at that would you?

It was almost like we were staying in Hollywood. ;)

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The Best

My first kiss goodbye from my baby girl

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Day One

I just can't sleep anymore tonight.

I woke up with thoughts of LB in my head and have been scrolling through the pictures from yesterday

for the last half hour.

What a day!

Let me start at the beginning...

We arrived in Kemerovo at 7:30am

and were met by Alex, our facilitator and Oleg, our driver

who took us to our hotel in downtown Kemerovo.

I had an hour to shower

 (and after 48 hours of traveling and wearing the same clothes let me just say Best. Shower. Ever)

and then Alex and Oleg took me to the Ministry of Science and Education

to get a letter giving us permission to visit Little Bean.

It felt so surreal, the whole day did really, 

right up until LB walked in the door I don't think I actually believed it was happening.

BUT I'm getting ahead of myself and am trying to tell you this story in order...

we left the Ministry and drove back to the hotel

where I was allowed to take either mom or Lace 

because we had to bring the social worker with us for this visit as well.

Mom immediately gave up her seat and insisted Lace come with me

so the 2 of us jumped in the car and we were off.

The drive to the orphanage took almost 2 hours

and both of us were struck by the beauty of the countryside.

The sheer vastness is what struck me most.

There was a sea of rolling hills

 copses of birch trees scattered about endless meadows

That went on and on as far as the eye could see.

Two thirds of the way there we drove through a little village

where the roads ran every which way

fences were made of whatever was available and divided property lines in jagged zigzags

dogs barked

and lace curtains covered windows where geraniums grew on the sills.

Eventually we pulled up to the orphanage

which was built 5 years ago I was told

and is home to 70 children ages birth to 4 years.

They have a big playground outside that Alex says is full of flowers in the summertime

We were taken upstairs and ushered into a nice room with toys in the corner

and a cheerful little mural on the wall.

The orphanage doctor came in and went over her medical file

and then the social worker whom we had brought with us

went over her social history.

During this process Lace took notes and asked questions that I was too nervous to think of

We learned that she's had the chicken pox

was baptized in the Russian Orthodox Church

and has been living at the orphanage since 2010.

The nannies described her as very curious

(so true!)

 empathetic towards the other orphans

and explained that she asks where her Mama and Papa are

and when someone is going to come and take her home.

They joked that she already has her suitcase packed.

And then there were quiet little footsteps echoing down the hall

and suddenly she was standing in the doorway holding onto her nanny's hand.

It took my breath away

and I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life.

She had just woken up from a nap

and was a little groggy

very unsure of what was going on

and rather timid.

The nanny told her to go over to me

and she obediently walked right over and whispered "Zdrasvooy" (hello)

And then she stood there starring at me

and I reached out to touch her cheek and tried to take her all in.

She is smaller than I imagined

delicate

Her arms and legs are so thin

her hair is wispy and so so fine

and her eyes are deep deep blue.

She has a series of little scars on her forehead and cheek from the chicken pox

and there were little imprints from her pillow still on her face.

She started to look a little unsure and so I reached into my bag and pulled out that little stuffed dog

and she was mesmerized by it

held it up to her cheek 

smelled it

and then clutched it to her chest.

The nanny said something to her and she opened up her arms 

and leaned in for a hug

and I wrapped my arms around her tiny little self

stroked her hair and just breathed her in.

We stood like that for a long time

and then I lifted her up and put her on my knee where she timidly tried to snuggle in.

I could feel the tension in her body

she was so unsure

and obviously not used to being held.

A little sparrow not quite sure where to land.

She kept shyly looking up and my face and then burying her head in my shoulder.

Eventually she hopped down and lead me into an adjacent room

where we spent the rest of our time playing together.

She is bright!

She figured out the stacking cups I had brought in no time flat

and she was completely engaged in stringing those little wooden beads onto a string.

The entire time we played she did not let that stuffed dog out her sight

and at one point even slid it under her bottom so that she could free up both hands while she played.

Too cute!

The time went by too fast

and all too soon the orphanage director and her nanny were in the doorway

telling her to clean up and say goodbye.

She helped me put all the beads back in my bag

and then she picked up the little dog

gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek

and then walked away with her nanny

but not before she turned around to wave at me and say, "paka paka" (bye bye) 

The three of us get to go back today at 4 to see her again.

12 more hours...

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Day Two

We started our day a little slowly today

slept in, showered and had some oatmeal that we'd brought along.

Then Lace and I went for a little walk around the neighbourhood

and then the 3 of us went to Travelers Coffee for lunch

before Alex and Oleg arrived at 2 to take us out to the orphanage.

It was a great visit!

LB was happy to see me and walked in still clutching the stuffed dog.

They had her all dressed up again

and had braided the front of her hair with pink ribbons.

I still marvel at how adorable she is.

I love love love her.

Here she is talking to Alex

We did some colouring together

We blew bubbles

(A big hit!)

played with the stacking cups and beads again

but best of all Auntie Lacey showed her how to use her camera

and LB spent most of the afternoon learning how to take pictures.

(the dog had LOTS of photos taken of himself.)

Lacey took a picture of her and I together then showed it to LB on the camera

and she immediately grabbed it, ran over to Alex

and exclaimed, "Thats me!  And that's mama!"

and then ran back to us to take some more with this beautiful smile on her face.

We definitely saw more of her personality today!

She made a lot of eye contact with me

and smiled more than yesterday which is a great step forward.

She is very independent, keen to do most things by herself

but was constantly watching me to see if I was still paying attention

and when I praised her for doing something, she just beamed.

She came in and hugged me right away because her nanny told her to

but after that she kept a bit more physical distance between us today

which is actually a good thing,

 rather than having her indiscriminately being affectionate with strangers. 

That being said,

 all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and never let go

but she's not ready for that yet

so we will keep taking these baby steps together 

as she learns that she can trust me.

My little sparrow.  

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Day Three

Today was our best day yet

and I need to give a huge shout out to Stacey for it.

Stacey brought her son home from Russia a few years ago

and right before I left she emailed me with a bunch of great advice

and one of the things she suggested I pack was some balloons.

They were a major hit

and brought LB completely out of her shell.

We had a couple blown up and started swatting them back and forth

which gave her the giggles and she just worked herself up into hysteria over it.

It was indescribable to watch her come to life

right in front of us.

She played with all three of us and at one point looked right at mom 

and said, "Baba" before hitting it to her.

Be still my heart.

She wore herself out chasing the balloon back and forth

and then Lacey built a tower out of the stacking cups

which she promptly came over and knocked down

laughing hysterically again.

I took a chance and scooped her onto my lap

and she just laid there and giggled

so I started kissing her on the cheeks and forehead 

and she looked right into my eyes and just laughed and laughed.

Best. Moment. Ever.

We got to take a peak at where she lives

and got to meet her little groupa 

who all chimed out a big "Zdrasvooy!" when we walked in the door.

They have a little common room with tiny tables and chairs

a small bedroom with 14 toddler beds standing end to end 

around the edges, and down the centre of the room

all with matching yellow and orange bedspreads

and lastly, a little cloak room with individual cupboards all labeled with the children's names.

I am so grateful we were given the opportunity to peek in

(no pictures allowed though)

Before I left for this trip, on my last day of teaching

one of my younger dancers realized that I was going to be in Russia for Halloween

and very excitedly asked me, "Will you get to go trick or treating with all the orphans?"

Oh my.  I didn't see that one coming and it kind of hit me in the stomach

thinking about the different realities we all live

and the stark differences between life in an orphanage in Russia

compared to life in a loving family in Vancouver.

My short answer to her however was, "they don't celebrate Halloween in Russia"

(seemed like the simplest response at the time)

to which she piped up, "well you should tell them about it Miss Candice

because its so fun!"

I told her I would.

Fast forward to today and packing my bag to see LB

I have a little snack trap that I've been bringing some little gerber fruit puffs in

but in light of today being Halloween I put a few smarties in there.

Well!

When LB discovered the smarties everything else temporarily ceased to exist.

She tucked her red balloon behind her back

(she is very territorial about toys and food which is normal for institutionalized kids)

and dug into that little cup like there was no tomorrow.

It was adorable and a little sad to see her so intent on them

head down

arms protecting her little stash of 7 smarties

stuffing them into her mouth and chewing as fast as she could.

In her little world nothing is purely hers

everything is up for grabs

and she has learned these little survival skills in order to keep what's hers 

from being snatched by someone else.

That's her current reality.

I wasn't surprised at all when I got too close to her and she swatted at my arm.

Her little reflex kicking in

This is mine

She told me.

And in my heart I whispered back

You are mine LB and every Halloween from now on

you will eat your little heart out on candy my girl so go ahead and dig in.

xo

We get to soak her up tomorrow for one last visit.

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Day Four Meant Goodbye

We had our last visit with Little Bean this afternoon.

She came in, just up from her nap in that adorable little red dress

(red happens to be her favourite colour, just like her mama)

and those big blue bows braided into her hair.

They dress her up so nicely for me.

I'm learning that she is slow to wake up

and a bit of a grumpy bear for the first few minutes.

She eventually came around

and once the balloons got blown up she was all smiles and giggles

chasing around the room throwing balloons

and even went so far as to stick her tongue out at me

(lest you think she's a perfect angel!)

She sat on my lap voluntarily several times

and really started snuggling in to me

rubbing her cheek against my chest

and putting her face against mine.

She loved being tickled today

and at one point told me to lay down and then proceeded to sit on my chest

and laugh out loud.

The hour went by way too fast

and then the inevitable footsteps came down the hall

as Olga, her teacher came in and explained to her that it was time to go

and that mama would be leaving now and wouldn't be coming back for awhile.

LB helped pack up the toys and then without any prompting

came over and kissed me on the cheek 

and said, "Come back."

Then just like that she was gone 

the little pitter patter of her shoes on the linoleum growing faint as she went down the hall

hand in hand with Olga.

And through it all I kept smiling

wanting her last memory of me to be a pleasant one

and determined to make it back to the hotel into the arms of my mom

before I let the storm out.

That was my plan

until Olga met us in the coat room and with tears in her eyes said to us,

"She is so proud.  She strutted into the room with her groupa and announced

I have a mother now."

And that was when I came undone

and the paper thin veneer of a smile I had kept on my face

shattered into a million pieces.

This little girl whom I have spent a scant 5 hours with 

has taken ahold of my heart in a way that no one in my life has ever done

and the days can not go by fast enough

until I am back here 

and she is back in my arms 

where she belongs.

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