just because

I haven't written about the lodge in what seems like forever

so I felt like tonight was the night to dip into that place in my heart that it occupies.

I have been feeling more than a little burnt out for the past few months 

and truthfully

have struggled to find the joy I used to have there.

Not with the residents

(they still make me split my side laughing and in the next moment, make my heart crack and bleed)

but with other stuff

work stuff

political stuff

less than stellar management stuff

The stuff everyone in the workforce grumbles about I suspect...

I have had some beautifully sad, surreal moments there in the past couple of months

I even made friends with an extraordinary woman while we sat vigil by her father's bedside.

(she's an adoptive mama, go figure)

There has been lots of light and funny

like the new guy who carries around a remote control in a shoe and tries to make phone calls from it.

(Oh no, I am not making this up people)

"Excuse me miss.  I don't seem to be getting a dial tone here."

Really?  That's weird.  Where is Agent 99 calling from I wonder?

hehehe

(inside voice there.  Outside voice blamed it on the phone company and told him to try again later)

And lots of post holiday sad

little grey haired ladies who are perpetually looking for their mothers

sitting beside the window holding teddy bears

waiting for the daughter who is supposedly taking them to the opera

or trying to get back home for dinner

trying to find little brothers and sisters now long gone.

There has been death.

Its odd how many of them hang on until the New Year and then its like a wave washing through

as one after another drifts away.

Just last week as I was sitting with this lady in her room

she grabbed my hand and whispered to me, "I'm dying aren't I?"

and there was no way around answering that with anything other than the truth

so I looked her straight in the eye

my heart skipped a beat

I felt my soul anchor me to her bed

and with unwavering eye contact I said, 

"Yes you are, and I will be right here holding your hand if you want me to be."

And oh my word can I just tell you how hard it was to say that?

To not brush her off with a casual "you'll be fine"

but to look straight down the barrel of that gun, lock eyes with her and say the thing she needed to hear,

 the thing she knew to be true?

So hard.

So necessary.

 I think that speaking the truth is important 

because if it was me, 

or should I say when it is me,

I want whoever is there to be straight with me

and then to tell me its not going to be so scary

that it will be just like going home again.

I think we'd all want to hear that, don't you?

I don't know.

I think I may change career paths and become a death counsellor.

Oh yes I am serious.

I think there is a need for it.

And oddly enough, I think I'd be darn good at it.

How's that for crazy talk at midnight?

I need to go have a good soak in the tub.

Goodnight.