in the space between here and there

Zenya was mellow all day today

Pensive

Distant

She was here in the hotel with me

but she kinda wasn't.

She watched a lot of russian cartoons, didn't want to play

and didn't want to be touched as much.

Her nap lasted 2 hours and 40 minutes

and once she awoke she just lay there unresponsive.

She came around a little before bedtime

the smiles and giggles returned

those little arms reached out and pointed to her stroller

so off we went

bundled up against the cold.

We are taking such huge strides forward together

that its hard to watch her isolate herself from me

to push me away.

I can see that she is taking the space she needs to grieve in her own way

her own time

and I know that that's a very good thing.

When we climbed into bed

she put her head on our pillow facing me

her little thumb in her mouth and her fingers stroking my cheek

just the way I stroke hers

and I whispered

"I love you so much

and you are such a brave girl to have come away with mama.

I know you're feeling sad and that's ok

you can be sad as long as you need to.

Mama will always be here." 

And as I was talking, she was nodding and answering me back

whispering away in russian to me

nodding 

gesturing

little arm circling

pointing

telling me we should go stand at the window and look for dogs.

Oh my word, can I just say how much I love her?