sleep

I put her down at 8.

She thrashes and flails, convinced she's not tired yet

kicking at the blankets and scaring Thisbe right off the bed.

She cries and clings to me

then pushes me away.

The minutes tick by and I think about the dishes waiting in the sink

strawberries that need to be hulled and frozen

food still waiting to be put away.

Mess

there is a mess everywhere

and I just don't do well with that kind of chaos.

My fingers itch to get up and start tidying it all up before my own fatigue kicks in.

She rolls away from me

and then comes crawling back

climbing up on my chest

her still wet curls covering my face like a veil.

I hear the sound of her sucking her thumb

her other little hand reaching out to find mine

as she melts into my body

and her breath begins to slow.

I count them in my head

thinking of all the nights she fell asleep without a mama holding her close

whispering into her hair

stroking her cheek

reminding her how very loved she is.

She falls asleep at last 

and I am filled with relief

and a strange sense of missing her all wrapped into one.