one of those days

You know those days when you're just off, 

just leaning a little bit to the right of where you normally stand 

and nothing you do seems to help you find centre?  

Not your morning tea, not the sunshine shining through your new huge living room window 

and especially not the way-too-energetic dogs that are way-too-keen to get outside and go for a walk.
The sound of their nails scrambling on the hardwood floor 

as they race each other to the door is enough to make me want to scream.  

Oh and I lose it.  

I yell. 

I yell for stillness

for the world to rewind an hour and let me start this day again

in a different frame of mind.

As the sound leaves my lips I am filled with instant regret.  

What on earth is my problem today? 

 Nothing, there is absolutely nothing wrong, no reason to be this glum and moody.

I tell myself to stop it.

Chin up.

Choose joy.

Name 10 things you're grateful for right now.

Take a deep breath.  

Did you take your vitamins?
Yes I did.
Maybe you need to be taking more.

I stare at a pile of fabric that needs to be turned into tablecloths for a fundraiser on Thursday.

The task looks insurmountable.

How many do I need to make?

8?

Its just not possible.  

I think I'll suffocate, 

choke on this beautiful Ugandan cotton

that was made by women who most likely live much more difficult lives than I do

and I am ashamed at my unreasonable, unshakable blues.

I look over my homework for the week and my eyes just start to glaze over.

Was I mad when I decided to go back to school part time this year?

Was I insane to think I was capable of this:

 this academia?

I'm an actor for heaven's sake.

A choreographer

a person who went to theatre school.

What in the world do I know about analytical reading or paper writing?

Nothing.

This pile of homework makes me feel something I haven't felt in years

 and I gotta say that I strongly dislike this feeling that I refuse to give a name to.

It just doesn't jive with the other great qualities I believe I possess

(albeit on days when I have a sunnier frame of mind than I do today)

I do some of my "journal" exercises and leave it at that for the time being

vowing that I will start this week's reading in the bath tonight

and I will not read the awesome novel I have sitting on my bedside table

even though I really want to know what happens next.

I manage to get 2 tablecloths done.

A small victory.

The rest of my day passes

edamame from my garden

a walk with my crazed 4 legged friends
and several hours doing the hand stitching on a quilt Lace and I have made for the fundraiser as well.
Poor Lace came over while I was working on it and said,
"wow!  That's looking beautiful."
To which I replied,
"Does it?  That's nice, but I'm over it."
all calloused and jaded-like
as if I was some hardened criminal who was doing her time by hand stitching a quilt.
Wow.
Who is this girl pretending to be me for the day?
She needs to go
like, now.
As my dad would say,
she needs to take a long walk off a short pier.
So the long and the short of it is this:

I'm ready for a re-do tomorrow
a shift in perspective if you will.

Here's hoping the sun comes out on the inside when I wake up
and my old self comes back
knocking back that morning cup o' tea with a cheerful glimmer in her eye
and a deaf ear to the excited scrambles of her furry friends.
and if I miraculously manage to whip off 6 tablecloths that would be swell.

Oh and a call from the agency with a referral would be super too.

Just putting it out there.