In the quiet that pervades my tiny abode
in the stillness
and the lamp light
while the dogs sleep peacefully
their bodies curled up against one another
I allow myself a moment to remember
to let out the feelings I keep in a small box that I push way way down.
The love
the pain
the ache that never really goes away.
I turn on my computer
and watch the same videos again and again
so grateful to have them.
I listen to her laugh, watch her breathlessly chasing after balloons
and collapsing into my lap
and I am filled with an emptiness
a longing
to feel her on my knee again
and to kiss the top of her curly little head just one million more times.
My heart is such a long way from my body these days
tucked in beside my baby girl
and I am waiting for the day when I can go back and pick them both up.
4 comments:
it's tough to find comforting words at this stage of your journey and even tougher because there is still uncertainty of a timeline and resolution. know this, however; you WILL be holding her soon and these days/weeks will all be a distant memory. once a child works its' way in to your heart, you are forever changed. this is the blessing of motherhood. stay strong and focussed, she will be here before you know it xoxo rach
Akkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Oh boy, there is no way around this part. You just have to plow directly through the middle. You WILL make it - I promise you that. I prayed for a reversible lobotomy during the wait. I drank a lot of red wine (shhhhhhh don't tell the Russians), I skyped with a friend who was waiting too (just so we didn't drink alone which is one step too close to crazy), and I wore the videos out. The one thing I did was dream about walking through the doors at the airport to the friends and family who cheered us home. Perhaps for you there will be balloons and children giving your girl much coveted boxes of smarties? For me, there was a big Canada sign with a leaf and the word CHEER! Friends, family, tears, pictures, and me proclaiming to the first person I hugged, "sorry I smell bad, it's been a long long day." I know "they" question the keep their world small and quiet but the selfish part of me needed THAT moment to signify we did it. It was amazing and I can't wait to see pictures of your moment because it will truly be amazing. I have heard that things go pretty quick for your region, and I hope that means you will spend Christmas there hearing a big fat DA! Their Christmas isn't until Jan 10th I think so if things go quick... I like to picture you there at Christmas with her. A cool part of our Russian babies is that it gives us the privilege of celebrating 2 Christmases.
I'm cheering for you over here where we had snow this morning :( hang in there and as the curlers say, "HURRY HARRRRRRDDDD!"
I cannot imagine.....be brave and feel it all....its all part of the story....the love story.
I hate this part...... It is tough. You are strong. You will make it and be reunited. Then the world will be right again...
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