19

I am counting down my final countdown.

14 days until I leave

19 days until I make that long drive up those winding forested hills for the last time

and Zenya and I drive the highway back to Kemerovo together.

19 days.

Wow.

It took longer than I thought to shake off the weight of the last 5 months.

I came home to happy dancing celebratory people

and kind of wanted to just lay down on the floor and cry my eyes out.

Cry out of relief

but also out of sheer fatigue

maybe a little disbelief was tossed in there as well.

I mean, did I actually do that?

Who was that woman who so brazenly silenced the courtroom?

Little old me

who came home beyond tired and a little bit broken

terrified at how close I came to losing it all

yet strangely never doubting that I would prevail.

Today however, 

I am feeling renewed.

I blame it on the sunshine

this sudden burst into summer that we're experiencing here on the west coast.

There's just something about the feeling of the sprinkler on my toes

that washes those worries, 

that heavy heaviness

right into the ground 

and leaves me standing a little straighter

and smiling a little more honestly.

19 more days before I get to do this again:

Only this time I don't have to let go.

This time I won't have to say goodbye.